christine vs. winter, part 2: the vengeance

I like to imagine “Christine vs. Winter” as an epic movie series like Lord of the Rings (which I admit I have only seen about an hour of). But anyway, at the end of part 1 (which was last winter), we see me, under a pile of quilts, eating chocolate and watching mindless TV/playing mindless games on my iPhone. In this scene I’m also recovering from various shoveling injuries.

So, to take my vengeance on Winter this year, I’ve developed a multi-step plan. The plan basically involves running outside even if it’s cold and dark, sitting next to one of these fancy lights every day, and not eating too much crap. However, I injured my tendon a few weeks ago while running, and now am wearing an air cast for the next month. I think Winter has been scheming with Inactivity to try to get me depressed before the snow even starts falling. But I’m going to keep plugging on with the rest of my plan! I have the light. I have the juicer to replace making cookies/muffins every other day (yeah, I admit this one is going to be tough in deep, dark February on a snow day).

Also, very importantly, I have a new job! I can work at home a bunch for my new job but also go in the office, so the socializing and having a schedule should help me make it through. So, the beginning scene of “Christine vs. Winter, Part 2″ looks something like this: Me, wearing super cute winter accessories (which I’ve knitted myself), eating some exotic fruit only available in winter, and frolicking in the snow with my adorably dressed kid. Frolicking, dammit. It’s going to happen.

things I actually like about going to work

There are plenty of annoying things about work — well, my current job in particular, but also just work in general. (I’m thinking primarily of coworkers who reheat fish in the microwave and people who assign unpleasant tasks by saying “I’ll let you do that.”) However, here’s Positive Christine’s list of things I like about going to work, outside of my house:

1. Working motherhood, now with less guilt

I can’t quite figure this one out, but when I’m working away from home, in an actual office, I feel much less guilty that I’m not with Charlotte. Maybe there are too many reminders of her at home, and then I think about her more? Or, it could be that when I work at home, I know she’s just half a mile away, and then I feel like I should be with her. For whatever reason, it’s easier to leave Charlotte at school when I know I’m commuting downtown to an office where I am scheduled to be.

2. Staring into space and other related activities

At work I make tea and catch up on Entertainment Weekly blogs, or get a treat at Starbucks, or go to REI and try on their entire selection of corduroys (not one pair looked good. Not one!). What’s even better is that I don’t feel guilty about doing this stuff either. I do feel slightly guilty about the few times I’ve secretly played Angry Birds with the volume off in my lap, although that was only out of boredom/desperation/intense need to beat a tricky level.

3. The crazy people wandering the streets of Boston

There are some nutty people near my house, but there’s a much wider range downtown and on the trains and buses. I walked behind a woman yelling “CALM YOUR DAMN ASS DOWN” into her phone, over and over again. When I was waiting for the train yesterday, I watched a guy waiting for his late train. He was kicking the trash cans and the ground and screaming directly at the tracks…things like, “This whole thing is a scam!” Definitely a high point of the day’s entertainment.

it wouldn’t be called work if it was fun*

I guess I went on an unintentional blog hiatus this summer. I like to go on hiatus from a lot of things in the summer — mostly cooking dinner and watching TV. Also, I got a part-time job a few months ago, which is way more time-consuming than a part-time job seems like it should be. Getting to and from said job takes awhile, and then there’s packing lunch and snacks for myself, and ironing. I have not taken a hiatus from ironing–I even bought a clothes steamer so I can really look unwrinkled (and refrain from melting/burning clothes with the iron as I have been known to do).

So, it’s been a few months, and I still like the idea of having a job. I like having somewhere to come other than the third floor of my house, and I like having a snack drawer and a work mug and getting to pop out on my lunch break for errands or a walk. However, I don’t like my actual job. It’s not very interesting and doesn’t involve enough writing and editing to really make me happy. Along with not liking my job so much, I don’t feel very invested in it or the place I’m working. I feel like it’s someone else’s Take Christine to Work Day and I’m just observing. Maybe it’s because I have been so invested in freelancing for the past few years — that’s taken a lot of discipline and a decent amount of passion. Even though I’m still freelancing some, this feels like a vacation from all that. Once that wears off, I figure I’ll have some kind of deep-thinking session where I decide what to do next.

*that line stolen from my friend’s mom

things that make me feel like I’m really a mom

I know, I’ve actually been a mom for almost two and a half years — Sunday is my third Mother’s Day! But there’s something about having a toddler lately that makes me feel like this parenthood thing is fitting better …maybe it’s doing a lot of garden-variety mom stuff, like being involved in pretend picnics, making couch-cushion tents, and doing lots and lots of bargaining over dessert and clothes and how many more books we’ll read before bed. I keep having these moments where I see myself like an outsider would, and I think, “Wow, I’m really doing this.” I also think, “Wow, I had no idea motherhood involved this many moments of sheer annoyingness.” These are a few things lately that have made me feel especially mommish:

1. Going grocery shopping and buying things at the deli.

It seems very mom-like to go buy sandwich ingredients for husband/child lunches on a Sunday afternoon. Also, it’s a novelty for me, since I haven’t eaten meat in at least 15 years and usually stay far away from the deli. So I’m really taking one for the team when I have to order and then touch the package of capicola that I get for Charlotte.

2. Calling every kid I see “honey.”

This happens involuntarily, but I recently realized I’m calling every kid under the age of 10 “honey”…the children of my friends, kids at the playground who fall down, the other kids at Charlotte’s school, etc. I also call Charlotte “honey.” I don’t think this is a term of endearment I’d ever used pre-kid.

3. Dragging Charlotte out of bed in the morning.

How did this happen? It doesn’t feel that long ago that I was the one getting dragged out of bed in the morning to go to school. I have this firm belief that no one should be woken up if not absolutely necessary. It’s cruel and unusual, is what it is. But now I’m in Charlotte’s room every morning, pulling up the shades, banging around making noise, etc. (However, I even more strongly believe that no one should be woken up by cheerful singing, so I’m sparing her that.) And then she finishes the mom-child wakeup ritual by yelling “Put shade back down!” or “Still tired. Not getting out of crib!” My own mother would be gleeful if she could see this.

interview questions

I have a job interview tomorrow! Eeek. One of my potential freelance clients got in touch with me about a full-time job at his company he thought I might be interested in. I’m nervous in a general interview way, but also specifically because I never know how to explain how I left my last job and started freelancing. It was mostly because of Charlotte, and childcare costs, along with my job changing dramatically (in a bad way). In the past when other people I know through work ask why I left, I just tell them. But tomorrow, I am afraid to tell them. I just assume they’ll hear “maternity leave” and see someone who’ll take more sick days, need more random holidays off, and won’t be able to stay for a late conference call. And the thing is, I can’t guarantee I won’t need to take sick days when Charlotte is sick, or work from home on a snow day, or have to leave right at 5.

My husband told me I don’t even have to mention having a child when they ask why I left my last job. He actually seemed to think it was bizarre that I would mention it…he told me I should tell them my job there changed, so I left. Which is totally true. It seems easier for a guy to see it that way. For him, Charlotte doesn’t have anything to do with work. But for me, it’s all part of what my daily life would be like with a full-time job. During one of our phone interviews, they asked me how I was at managing “pushback,” which is apparently the latest corporate buzzword for dealing with obnoxious people. My first instinct was to tell them that all I do currently is manage pushback in the form of a 2-year-old. I came up with some story from my last job instead, but I wish I could mention the toddler stuff. Saying “no” judiciously is definitely something I’ve gotten better at lately.

I have no idea if I’m ready to go back to work full-time. I am hoping I might have some idea by this time tomorrow.

how do I get out of the doldrums?

I think I’m finally coming to the end of the cabin-fevered haze that has been winter 2011.  A lot of the snow has melted, and we are all mostly healthy at this moment. However, somewhere in the fog of the past two months, I’ve lost my motivation to do…anything really, other than read. I don’t feel like working, which is good, because I don’t have much of it lined up. But I also don’t feel like pounding the pavement for more work, and I don’t feel like doing projects around the house. My main accomplishments lately, other than taming my child, have been making good dinners and chopping up the stubborn icy snowbanks in front of the house.

I feel adrift, unmoored, lost at sea, and any number of other  nautical adjectives. I just don’t know what to do next. In nearly two years of freelancing, I’ve never actually had to do any marketing or cold-calling. I’ve been lucky to get work through former coworkers, former classmates and other connections. Now that I’ve hit a quiet patch, I’m not sure how to proceed. I’ve been sending out some introductory emails to potential clients that I’ve found through local tech groups. My favorite book on freelancing, Robert Bly’s Secrets of  a Freelance Writer, suggests sending out letters with reply cards in them. I am not sure what the point of the reply card is, though. So I am going with emails for now.

I know that one of the biggest challenges of freelancing is the unpredictability. Still, I want to know what I’m supposed to do during the quiet times. Some of my ideas have been: find a part-time job where I actually go somewhere and interact with people, train for a road race, learn embroidery or sell things on eBay. But I’m not actually motivated to do any of those things either. Good thing I’ve got a whole pile of library books to drown my sorrows in.

3 symptoms of advanced cabin fever

We’ve gotten a shit-ton of snow (yes, that is a technical term) in Boston this year. I think it’s more than five feet already. It’s been terrible. Charlotte has had at least one snow day every week, and the snow is now brown and gray and frozen on top. It looks gross. There are snowbanks on our street that are taller than me. Also, I have to use a plastic table as a space saver for our parking spot every time I want to drive anywhere…but then whenever I get where I’m going, there’s no parking because the street spots are all taken up by snowbanks or other space savers. And the sidewalks are super narrow and icy about half the time, so walking is not a great option either. Charlotte and I have been stuck inside a lot. I think I’m close to a state of hibernation at this point, where going outside seems hazardous and requires nearly all of my energy, and staying inside to eat is the source of all happiness. This is all leading to extreme crankiness all around, which is one of the top indicators of cabin fever. Other symptoms:

1. I feel a deep connection with the television.

I like TV in general. But lately I am really, really fixated on the television. I have actually, for the first time, watched the nightly news multiple times, and I watch various weather forecasts to compare meteorologists and their predictions. Also, I look forward to seeing what Elmo’s thinking about on Sesame Street. He has a theme for each show, and when it’s one I haven’t seen before, I get excited to see what Elmo and Mr. Noodle will have to say about jackets or bananas. But most revelatory of all, especially during the week of sick days I had last week: Oprah! The woman is a genius. I mean, talk about interviewing skills. And the ever-changing hair!

2. I am playing video games.

I downloaded this really dumb game on my iPhone. It involves shooting rag dolls out of a cannon to hit a target. Look, it’s so great that one of the reviewers says, “It’s very hot. I can’t stop.” I have hardly any free time, but I’ve been wasting quite a bit of it trying to beat Rag Doll Blaster. It’s very slightly more challenging than finding errors in the scrolling news thingy that goes along the bottom of TV news shows.

3. My brain is melting (or freezing, maybe?)

OK, #1 and #2 could potentially be contributing to this. The other day, I was making tea. Charlotte pointed at my mug and said “Steam going up.” I said, “yes, it goes up! That’s because of gravity.” Then there was a silence while Charlotte looked blankly at me and I thought “Hmm, gravity. Gravity…what is the deal with gravity…astronauts…Oh. Whoops.” I told Charlotte that never mind, that wasn’t gravity, but I’ve probably already ruined her chances of being a physics star. Also, I told her that the magnifying glass in one of her books was called a microscope. When they do studies on why girls don’t succeed at science, they should really be studying whether they’re growing up in New England and learning about science in February from their addled mothers.

I’ll take one free pass to be a jerk, please

I had a conference call the other day to finalize a project I’m on, and one of the guys on the call was a serious buttmunch. He was super negative in his criticism of the content I wrote–unnecessarily mean, and also vague and hard to understand. And, even more annoying, I had contacted him a month ago to get his feedback and more detailed information, and he wouldn’t set up a call, but just emailed me some documents instead. It ended up being a combination of me not having enough information and him having a really bad approach to giving feedback.

So, that’s crappy, but what is even crappier is that he wasn’t just having a bad day or something. Another person on the call later told me that he’s always like that. He’s pure evil, really negative, etc., every time he’s involved with a project like this. That seems even worse to me than just catching someone on a bad day. Like, why does he get a free pass for being a jackass all the time? That’s just the way he is? Really? Most of the rest of us are trying to do our jobs with some professionalism without making our colleagues want to cry or crawl under their desks. If I acted like that for even a week or two, I’m pretty sure my business would go downhill pretty fast.

It didn’t help my advanced case of cabin fever, either. Perhaps Mr. Buttmunch is in cahoots with whoever gave Charlotte a stomach bug and whoever else decided to close all the schools for two days because of the blizzard. The real hero of this week is…our high-school babysitter who’s available on short notice! After a few days of being cooped up with a sick, then snowbound, kid, I finally got out yesterday to slog through some of this guy’s edits.

one word that describes 2010

I found this post on end-of-year writing prompts a few weeks ago, and the one about describing 2010 in one word has been in the back of my mind since then. Mostly, I’ve been trying to think of a pleasant, thoughtful way of saying “clusterfuck,” because that surely describes much of the year…periods of all-out, working-every-night work projects, a super-opinionated toddler who never wants to sleep, and various catastrophes around the house involving water coming in where it’s not supposed to.

However, I think I’ll go with “informative” as my non-swear word to describe 2010. I think “informative” covers a lot, because throughout this whole busy year I have certainly learned lots of things. I learned how to write a white paper. I learned how to better track down government sources for stories. I learned how to deal with toddlerhood better (counting to 3 actually works!). I’ve also learned this year to not aim so high, to just let some things go or be good enough instead of perfect. I learned how to write a speech in a class I took. I learned that I am very happy to be a freelancer. I learned that I really like things that are both salty and chocolatey. I learned that I don’t actually hate blue cheese.

I learned other things that are less cheerful. I learned that there is at least one person in the world who thinks it’s OK to present a full TJ Maxx bag to the post office for mailing in lieu of, you know, putting it in a box with tape and an address label. I learned that there are people who don’t care if their entire basement is covered in water and leaking into ours. I learned that there are bullies and total dingdongs working in corporate America (or maybe I re-learned that one). I learned that having a 2-year-old means our vacations aren’t the same as they used to be. I learned that having family dinnertime takes a lot of work. I learned that there are at least five hair stylists in greater Boston who can’t give me an awesome haircut. And I learned entirely too much about cleaning up after a barfing kid.

This year seemed hard, overall. It’s been exhausting, and often frustrating. I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, really, but I do like to imagine that next year’s word will be something like “fun,” or “easy,” or “lucky.” But with a job and a kid, I’m guessing that might be asking too much. In 2011, I’d like to shoot for somewhere below “clusterfuck.” I think that’s a reasonable goal.

3 reasons I’m glad to work at home

Well, today anyway. Some days I don’t like working at home at all, although I like it more the longer I do it.

1. Working with slippers on.

Wearing slippers to work is the only way to go, especially when the day’s high temperature is 35 degrees. I still feel like I’m a professional working person, because my slippers have hard bottoms that are kind of like shoes. But they are warm and cozy and make writing in solitude much more pleasant. And when I have conference calls the slippers give me a little boost. I’m automatically enjoying the call more because I have slippers on.

2. The cafeteria is always open.

I go downstairs, get a snack anytime I want, and leave the dishes in a pile. There aren’t any coworkers giving me dirty looks for using the microwave too long or stinking it up (not that I eat anything stinky, of course). And I have a whole bunch of good choices for things to eat, not just what I threw in my lunch bag. And, I don’t have to deal with shared kitchen issues like a nasty work fridge, or a scary, ancient toaster oven or a clogged sink.

3. I can work not at home.

I work at cafes or any places with WiFi. I recently had a really nice afternoon working at the Copley branch of the BPL, in the really cool reading room. The place I’m working today has good food and drinks, and also great music. The music playing right now makes me feel like I could be writing something really profound on my laptop…poetry or maybe my plan to stop global warming and end hunger.